The Dichotomy of Womanhood

What’s your style? How do you dress?

Um. I don’t know, it’s different. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like, I could be girly and then tomboy one day and then whore another day.

I know exactly how that is. What’s your favorite.. Of all of your moods, like the tomboy, girly, all of that, which one do you think you feel the best in?

Girlly or, like early 2000s

Yeah, I think I agree with you. Because I do dress like a whore sometimes on purpose. And it feels good, but then I spend the whole day, like, worried about, like my stomach…

Yeah!

When I’m girlly, I’m like, I meant to do this. I’m fitting my role and it feels good.

That is how you feel!

You’re like, well, I am a girly. You feel like you’re correct. I want to feel cutesy sometimes, I don’t know…

Does your self-image ever.. Sometimes I’ll be feeling really confident and then some ugly dude hits on me at the bar, and then it makes me think about it the whole day. I’m like, am I not pretty? Why did this ugly man come up to me? Like, why me?

I used to work in a car wash and it was the same thing where I was sweating, I looked gross, and then guys were like, “How old are you?”

Ew.

And I’m like what am I doing? What’s going on? It does make me feel like.. if women hit on me, I’m like, oh, okay, thank you. But whenever it’s men, like, it does make me feel like.. mmm…

Yes, yes. You know what I’m saying. I got hit on Friday, or Saturday. I was out with my girlfriends, and we were all dressed as clowns. And the only reason we went was ‘cause my friend’s boyfriend is in a band and they were performing, right? And it was just that night you dressed up as a clown and you got a free drink.

So I was like, oh, hell yeah, I’m gonna get ready. But this one guy… He had already told my friends, “Oh, your friend is cute” and stuff. And this man… is a man. He’s in his, like… 40’s. The first time I met him I was dressed up as Louise from Bob’s Burgers, and he called me Louise. He never got my name until later when I was like, oh, my name’s XYZ. He had invited me out to do karaoke with him and the rest of the group, even my friends too. But I was way too drunk. I hadn’t seen him until the clown thing. We were taking pictures with my girlfriends before we left. And then he grabs me and then gives me a kiss on the cheek. It was so gross because I could hear him sniffing right next to my ear, and it just makes me think about all the times I’ve been assaulted. Like, from when I was a kid to now

There’s so many people I work with and customers who will just come up and touch me with no warning, like, I don’t know them and they just touch my back, touch my arm, like, put a hand on my shoulder and it just gives those feelings of like.. you’re in a situation where saying “no” how you want to would be so inappropriate. Because it’s not that serious, but it feels like it.

Yeah.

I just want to be like, don’t fucking touch me. Like, don’t- don’t touch me.

But then you’re the asshole because you’re being rude. Yeah.

Why do people feel the need to get all upon you without… Like, don’t make a move. It’s okay. You don’t have to. That’s awful. I’m very sorry.

It’s okay. I be like... It was… It’s now past, so. There’s nothing I can do about it.

In my wildest dreams, I would never touch a person I’ve been talking to for, like, five minutes. Or a day. Especially not kissing them on the cheek. Like, what the fuck?

Yeah. I don’t know what drives him. I mean, he was drunk, so I guess that was the driving point, but still, like... Yeah, it’s no excuse.

I’ve been around many drunk men that have not kissed me. So… Well, actually does that say something about me.? Hmm. Why is it like that? Where you have to question if you’re enough to be- Do you ever feel like that? If people don’t do things to you there’s that question of, “oh, maybe I’m just not pretty enough.”

Yeah, that’s why I took a defensive stance, like. Am I not pretty? Or, like... Yeah, is it just a woman thing?

Because you want attention. We’re told men hit on you and that’s how you’re attractive. But men hit on you and it’s unwanted, which makes you uncomfortable. It’s a weird, weird dichotomy of being a woman.

Yeah. Especially because while growing up all you see is skinny models and blonde women being the ones that are “hotter” or colored eyes are always “hotter”. So many other things that it makes us “average” women more like, “oh, okay, we’re not pretty.” or, “oh, we’re not enough.”

And that’s when those moments of people showing interest, even if it’s gross

It’s like it’s validating.

Especially as a person with history of sexual violence, it makes me feel disgusted about myself.

Yeah.

Because it’s that feeling of like.. Am I doing this on purpose because that attention feels good. And then it’s the whole doubt thing and it’s really, really hard to deal with, which makes the fact that it’s uninvited even worse. Because then it brings these like, violating feelings. On top of being something you never even asked for.

Even if a guy were to give me (a compliment)- like even a “good guy”, that even freaks me out. It’s like, how many other women have you done this with? And then I’m like, okay, then I’m not that pretty, because I’m sure he’s done it to other women.

It’s.. It’s so hard to just… It’s hard to like yourself. I feel like for everyone, but… I’m a woman so I can only understand women.

Yeah.

But I feel like it’s difficult. In the sense that it’s so conflicting. You can’t like it because then you’re inviting it. You can’t hate it because it makes, like..

you’re being a bitch.

Yeah. And it’s.. you need those moments of people telling you you’re attractive or doing things that show you you’re attractive because you don’t fit the mold of what is attractive. So you don’t, like, exist knowing you are...