Zen State of Mind

What are you looking forward to the most right now? It can be, like, tomorrow, or it could be, like, in the future.

Um... Um. Oh. Shit. What am I looking forward to? Um.. Could it be like something in the future?

Yeah, it can be as far as you want it to be, or as soon as… like in five minutes.

Okay, well I have this one, but it’s stupid. I’m looking forward to today where I don’t have any stress.

That’s not stupid. That is so real.

I feel like you’re always gonna have stress, though.

Yeah, but... I don’t know. It’s one of those, “shoot for the moon, if you miss, you end up in the stars” kind of vibes.

Yeah, yeah. I just want a day where I don’t have to think about this or that. I just want to fucking… like a complete Zen state of mind, you know what I mean? I guess I’m looking forward to that. Just kind of like pure happiness, no stress, no negative thoughts. But I don’t know if that will ever happen… Because it’s just human nature kind of.

But hey, if you give up on it, then I mean, what’s the point?

Yeah.

Even if you never make it, always strive for it.

Even if I have a family, kids, wife, people I love, and a good job and shit, you’re still going to be thinking about negative... If I had to say something like, that’s more recent, that I’m looking forward to… Okay, it’s so cheesy, though… I don’t want to say, fuck. Okay. Finding someone that I share a lot in common with. It would be so nice to just find someone similar and in common, that gets me, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I’m looking forward to that.

That is it is a really nice feeling. Because, friends, family, that’s one connection. But it’s different when it’s someone who’s your partner.

You gotta expand the tree, you know what I mean? …I don’t know what that means.

You want kids?

Yeah, at some point, yeah.

Have you thought much about it, or is it just like, I want this?

No, I think about it.

Do you know, like, how many or anything? Is there an ideal.. Life is going to happen. But if there is an ideal, what is it?

Um. Probably three kids, maybe. I think I want a daughter. Because I’ll be very protective, but I just feel like I want that, I want to be protective over… I don’t know, yeah. I mean,either/or I’d still be protective. I’m not saying, like, oh, fuck the kid… But, like. Yeah. Sometimes I’ll, like... I don’t know, dream about that. Having a daughter or something would be interesting.

I think I’m scared of having boys, but I don’t care what my kids are. I’m going to love them either way. That’s why I always say, I need to go to a little bit of therapy first before I am ready to have kids. Because I know there’s things out of their control that would affect my parenting and that’s not fair.

Maybe it’s because within my family there hasn’t been a girl so maybe that’s why I want to be able to give, you know… I want my mom to have a granddaughter. But I do just want to have kids, you know?

I never grew up with sisters, and I feel like that disadvantaged me a lot. But I also didn’t grow up with a very strong female presence.

There’s a lot of things I feel like I missed out on.

Sometimes, I think about having a sister, and what that would be like. Sometimes I’d get mad at my brother and I’m like, I fucking wish I had a sister. And I realize, you’ll still be getting the same kind of shit.

You want what you don’t have. You don’t experience the lows of it.

Me and my brother, we have a lot in common, but at the same time, we really don’t. It’s kind of weird.

Yeah. Family is such a weird dynamic.

I love my brother and he’s perfect the way he is now. I wouldn’t change him, but sometimes I do… I’ll think about what if my brother was… maybe if I had a twin, or if we were closer in age and we were so similar. That’d be kind of interesting.