Music Saved My Life

What Saved You In Your Darkest Time?

Okay, so you said one of your questions is, what moment, person, or things have you in the darkest time? There’s a lot of moments that I could talk about, but one that comes to mind is when I was 16, and I was in high school. It was just not the best of times for me through my life and my parents. For context, I got diagnosed with these mental illnesses at thirteen, and I started going to therapy, and for the longest time, my dad was kind of skeptical of me going to my therapist ‘cause you know, he would give the classic talk about “I give you food, I give you, you know, shelter, I give you, you know, a roof ”.

And so it was kind of like that in the beginning, but then he got over me seeing my therapist, because he went on saying, “you go see her, like, 8 p.m and you should come to me and not to her.” And I’m like, well.. But fast forward, and he got okay with that, but then throughout high school, I kid you not, from freshman year to sophomore year from beginning to end, it would be... It would just be like, really, really bad, because I had parents that didn’t understand mental health issues and mental problems. And it was harder when I wasn’t in school, and it’s kind of weird to say, because people are like, “Oh, I don’t want to go to high school. I hate going to school”, but it gave me a routine and a structure that I subconsciously just didn’t realize at the time, but now I realize when I’m thinking back on it.

So the summers would be brutal. I could be out of the country, I could be at home, and it just- my mental health got really bad, and, like I said, my parents didn’t really understand that, so it was kind of like a big isolation. And, I mean, besides my wonderful therapist, the only thing that I had besides that, and my few good friends were music.

So fast forward to the question, I guess one of the darker moments would be, I had a John Mayor concert that I had to go see in September. I guess when I bought the tickets I didn’t really pay attention to it because I was like, oh, it’ll come later, you know, whatever. So throughout the time, I kind of forgot. But, like I said earlier, 16 was kind of like the time where I felt really isolated, so I was, like, in my guest bathroom, literally trying to... um, yeah. So I was in my guest bathroom, and the way that I was trying to kill myself was by drowning myself. And so I was getting ready and everything, and, like, in that moment, I kind of wasn’t... My mind was kind of made up. I was like, I mean, this is it, this choice that I’m making seems right to me.

And so, I’m filling the bathtub and everything, I’m getting in, and I start trying to do the attempts and whatever, and, you know, like, I’m... It’s kind of weird ‘cause every time I would go down in the water and try to not just come back up, something in me just went back up. So the few times that I went back and forth, when I came back for air- I’m pretty sure Siri has this notification in your settings where if you turn it on, she can read you out loud what the notifications are.

So, yeah, one of those moments when I gasped up- came up for air, she sent out a notification from Ticketmaster saying that, “ hey, you’re John Mayer concert is tomorrow.” I heard it, and it kind of just made me stop. I didn’t even- I didn’t even go back under. I just kind of stopped, and I sat up. I was like, “well, I kind of got to live to see the John Mayer concert.” So I was like, okay, I’ll put this off tomorrow. So I go to the concert and my mom is with me. and I’m just at his concert, and more context, I love John Mayer, okay. I would consider myself a stan. I love that man. I have no shame in telling people I’ve seen him five times.

I’m at the concert and I’m just sitting and I’m standing and I’m dancing, but then I take time for myself, I take a moment, and I’m like, I could have been gone right now... I could have been, like, drowned myself, and I would never be able to see the concert or the show. So I just kind of, when I was taking a moment for myself, I was like, these are kind of the moments, at least from my perspective, I know everyone else has, like, different, you kind of wish lists or why they stay here, but for me, not only him as a singer, but music in general. I even made a video that I saved to myself and I wrote out a message saying I’m so glad I didn’t, you know, fully commit to the suicide attempt because this concert coming right at a time like that, was just what I needed. And so I always think about that, especially when Snapchat brings up the memories, and I’m just like, dang. And so, I mean, that little Siri notification kind of just pulled me out, even if it was just for a second. And so I would consider that, like, kind of one of my darkest moments.

I think, like, those little things are so much more powerful than we give them.. appreciation for. Because when you’re in that mindset you’re numb. You don’t feel the weight of your actions, but those tiny little things bring back feeling. Even if it sucks it draws you back into life and it’s great.

Yeah, or even if it’s just for a second, like, for example, like you said with the small little things like I could have had my ringer off, and Siri could have never sent the notification.

And if you had felt this way a week before the notification might not have been.

Yeah. So the planning and kind of like the timing of the notification even when I heard it and I didn’t even put my head underwatering and I just sat for a second, you know, really hearing that notification, really go through my mind, and then I didn’t do it, and I went to the concert and I was like, okay, it kind of gave me... I want to say a reality check.