My Entire Life and More
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Um.. Oh, my gosh, who do I think I let down the most? Probably my mom. I feel so bad for her sometimes, because I’ve made so many mistakes in my life.
Like, big, big one?
Yes, big. Like messing up my whole timeline of my career and education and stuff and whatever. This relationship, breaking up with him was probably the third major mess up that I’ve done that my mom has had to pick me up and, like, put me back together and I just feel bad for her, you know? She’ll never say that it’s a bad thing. I do genuinely believe she doesn’t feel like it is a burden but it’s just a waste of money. I feel bad for her. But it’s just motivation to do better in the future. So I can repay her one day for all her help and support. She’s the best. Love my mom.
I would say 50-50 of the people I meet are like, “my parents are the best people in the world” or they’re like, “I hate my fucking parents.”
It’s so interesting if you had this conversation with me when I was in high school, I probably would have despised my parents. But I think I was also just a little more immature and not really aware of how much they’ve done for me. and also their intentions. It’s really easy when you’re in high school to be like, “Oh my God, they’re on me all the time”, whatever, but they really do just want the best for you. In my situation.
Yeah, exactly. I can’t say that I don’t get it, because I understand that unconditional family connection to an extent. I just, it’s so incomprehensible for me when it comes to parents or siblings, because I never really had that.
Yeah, no, the sibling relationship is a whole other thing, yeah. My parents have never given up on memes my entire life, and I love them so much for that. And I see it very clearly now, you know. I’m more aware of how I do things, because I don’t ever want to have to put them through that again. But my sister.. was my best friend when I was younger. Yeah. And I feel like she lowkey hates me now.
When I graduated high school, I did this whole thing, and I didn’t talk to my family for a year. It was really hard on her. That was in 2021. So it’s been four, almost five years and she has not forgiven me for it.
Was it kind of like a “you left me here” kind of thing?
Yeah. Perfectly said, actually, yeah. Yeah, I think that’s exactly how she felt. And, you know.. It’s just hard because it’s not something I can work through with her. Like, I’m ready to beg for her forgiveness. She’s not ready to forgive me. She’s also in her own version of a terrible relationship, and the person she’s with is very in her ear all the time, like, “never forgive her. Don’t talk to your family.” It was very similar to what I was going through. So I don’t know. It’s hard to see because I just got out of that.
Yeah. You kind of have a little bit of grace for people. My friends would make bad decisions and I’m like, “I love you. I can’t tell you not to make these mistakes, because I made them too.”
Yeah. But then you do have that little bit of a like, “God, you just saw me do it, like, come on.”
You know exactly how this ends. Yeah.
So, yeah, I know what it’s like to have a non-functional family relationship. But, you know, she’s like a grown woman. She’s 25. She can figure it out..
Yeah. I do wonder, because it has been a couple of years, you’re ready. How much grace do you think you have in you to wait for her?
Oh, the most. I would literally wait my entire life and more for her. Like, she’s my sister, you know? To be fair.. I don’t know if this is a weird thing to say, but I feel like my sibling relationship was nice because she’s a lesbian. So a lot of what I see is the very catty, petty sister relationships. Sometimes you’re competing for the same things or whatever. I really don’t have that with her, though, because we have very different identities. And so that was nice.
She never tried to copy my personality. I never wanted to copy hers, that was nice.
That is an interesting dynamic of competition when you’re in scenes with women. But yeah, if you’re competing for different things, then, who cares?
Exactly. And I also, um, when you said how long would I wait, I think I also know what it feels like to have her not forgiving me for something. Even if it was like something that she doesn’t understand fully and I didn’t understand fully at the time.. And that is such a God-awful feeling. I love her so much. I would never want her to feel that way from me.
That’s very, very sweet, very compassionate.
It’s the best you can do in these situations. I feel like it’s so easy to just have hate and resentment and grudges and whatever for people. But, ultimately, it doesn’t make you happy in the end.
